I am perfect. I am complete. I want and lack for nothing.
“I am perfect. I am complete. I want and lack for nothing.”
Those were the words which Pastor Fran Love spoke over us at the First Mount Olive Freewill Baptist Church Women’s Retreat 2019. They have now found their way on my phone as my screensaver, as a Post It reminder on my desk, and constantly flowing from my lips. Every day, many times per day, I am constantly reminded of this.
Before I even got to the retreat, I knew it was gonna be amazing. We had truly been seeking God for this retreat. We prayed and fasted, knowing that women would be healed, delivered, and set free. I knew it was going to be everything that we prayed for and more. That was confirmed for me during our prayer session on Thursday. While we were praying for the retreat and every woman that was coming, each of the women on the council were anointed. When Deacon Lee got to me, she said, “He knows your name”! That was enough for me! I could have left and went home and been good from that statement alone! Why? Because lately I had been having this feeling like God didn’t know my name anymore. Deacon Lee didn’t know that. But God knew and spoke through her to remind me that He hasn’t forgotten me.
Needless to say, God showed up and showed out in such a mighty way there. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we smiled, we prayed, we thanked God, we were blown away by His presence, it was simply AMAZING.
When I left the retreat, I was FIRED up and ready to conquer everything that I would face because deep down, I know that God has already equipped me with exactly what I need.
After such a powerful spiritual encounter, I should have known an attack would soon come. I know that but I didn’t get proactive about it. How could I have not protected myself? I left myself open. I let my guard down. I wasn’t on my A game and because of that, I allowed the enemy to swarm in like a thief in the night and take my mind and heart hostage😢, but only for a short time😎.
I began to really struggle with somethings internally during and after the retreat. God was speaking directly to me. Letting me know that I am FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY made. That I am His and that He loves me. Yet, I was feeling CRAZY. Self-doubt crept in. Fear crept in. Disappointment crept in. Sabotage crept in.
The last few weeks, prior to the retreat, were like WOW 😮 to me. It was different. I was in a new space. It was amazing. Have you ever longed for something so much and then finally have it and just allow petty foolishness to come in and corrupt your mind or heart, so much so that you ruin it, at least it feels like you ruined it? Well that’s exactly where I found myself, the very next day after I left the retreat. I left filled up but I forgot one thing. I was fired up but I was still a MESS. I was warring within my members. I was SUFFERING because I wouldn’t speak on it. I wouldn’t accept it because I was embarrassed, so I couldn’t face it. I was afraid of appearing weak and that people would say, “girl, you still there?” Or “girl, you gotta be stronger than that!”. I didn’t feel safe anywhere to share what I was feeling. It was eating me up and this day, I could no longer pretend.
I EXPLODED. I act a complete fool. Not because I felt how I felt, but because of how I expressed it. Boooyyyy did I play MYSELF! Cuz that thing came out and came out with a VENGEANCE! It didn’t come to play with me and it came to destroy everything in its path! Guess what?! I allowed it, at least for a moment!
When I snapped out of it, I was disgusted, I was embarrassed, I was ashamed, I was disappointed, I was hurt, I was mortified. How could I allow myself to go to such a low place?!
Easy! “We can’t heal what we don’t reveal.” Soooo guess what I did? I owned it. Yeah I know my delivery was TRASH to say the least 🙄🤦🏽♀️ but I was relieved! Relieved because it no longer was something that was taunting me. I no longer had to face it alone. Would I have some consequences to face because of how I revealed it? Of course 😫 but guess what?! I no longer cared! I was ready to accept whatever consequences that were coming my way. If I can be honest though, I was hoping to change whatever they were to fit what was tolerable for me. That didn’t happen. Chile I was stressed and all over the place. Stressed and all over the place until I decided that I was no longer gonna live in that space!
One day I woke up and decided that I was gonna let it go and whatever was supposed to happen, will play out. God’s had me in everything else so why would He leave me now? Just because I got myself into it? Naw. He ain’t going NOWHERE! 😏 I don’t mean to sound cocky or anything like that but I just KNOW that there is NOTHING that I could ever do to separate me from God or His love. PERIOD! 🤷🏽♀️
Things got better. Had the situation really changed? Naw it hadn’t, but my thoughts toward it did. I started speaking, it is well. Have your way in this God. Show me what you need me to fix. Help me in this. I need you. I’m struggling, but it is well. As I began to speak, I began to KNOW that it would turn around. Not in my time, or in my way, but just as it turned around before, He can surely do it again. Whether it looked the same, better, or different, God’s promises were still Yea and Amen, so I was GOOD!
I finally got back to a place where I could speak what God said about me. My situation didn’t look any different, in fact, it actually was worse, BUT, I know trouble don’t last always. Joy comes in the morning. He will give you beauty for ashes.
You see, in life, there will be heartache and pain. In life, you will make mistakes. In life, you will have good days, but you’ll also have some really, really hard days. In life, you will always have ANOTHER chance in God, as long as you’re breathing. I’ve made many mistakes that I wish I wouldn’t have made, but I’m also grateful for them because I’m constantly being molded into who I’m supposed to be because of them. So no matter what you’re going through, I urge you to remember this: I AM PERFECT. I AM COMPLETE. I WANT AND LACK FOR NOTHING.