This is the Last Time!
Time after time I say this is the last time I'm giving my all to you. This is the last time you'll have the opportunity to hurt me. This is the last time you'll be able to disappoint me! This is the last time I'll be blinded by you! This is the last time you'll get me to stay longer than I want to and know I should. This is the last time I believe in you only to get my feelings hurt and dreams shattered. This is the last time that I say, this is the last time! That you is LOVE. But guess who's wrong in all of this? Me and my perception! Love doesn't do any of those things. People make bad decisions or mistakes and call it love or in the name of love but that's no what love is all about.
I've been in so many situations that I thought I wanted to be in, but in reality, they were really just some of the biggest lessons that I've learned. So let me tell y'all about three "I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me" type of situations that I had (not the full stories just pieces of them). Nope. Not. The. Case.
One guy told me that he loves me but he loves "her", the other chick he was dealing with, more than me. Wait what!? So why are we still laid up together? Why are you still running to me with all of your life's problems and concerns and why am I the first person you call when you wanna go out and enjoy yourself? Oh because it's convenient! You get the best of both worlds by getting what you want from both of us. Naw, I'm good! I'm out. Sike. Let's continue this game for many more years! But let's also add other girls into the mix. Let's not forget that you have to constantly tell me you want to be serious about me but you never do. But guess what, the day will come where it no longer works with me and I see that I deserve to be with one man! It might have been on and off for many years but those years are officially off! When you decided that you were really ready to just have me, I wanted no parts. I was no longer desperate for you. I no longer wanted to give my love and affection to you. I was done defending you. I was done questioning if I was pretty enough. I was done questioning if I was good enough. I was done questioning if I was loving enough. I was done questioning if I was forgiving enough. I was done questioning why I wasn't enough for you to only want me. I woke up...
But not for long.
Soon after I would find myself in another situation. One where I thought we could work. After all every seemed to love him. He was nice (in the beginning). Talked about wanting to marry me and have a family with me. Well those good times were short lived. Well ok I take that back. We still had good times, they just became more and more intermittent as time went on. It wasn't long before he started having "inappropriate" behaviors with other women. As soon as I found out what did I do? Punched him right in the face of course! What else did you think I did?! 🤦🏽♀️ bad move Maya, bad move! That just opened up a whole new can of worms! If I thought that problem with other women was something, hmmph, nope! Abuse, both emotional and physical, became a REAL thing in my life! When I found out about that one girl I should have broken up with him and just kept it moving. We were only about two months in and it wouldn't have been a big deal. But nope I wanted to show that I could forgive and we could move beyond it. We could have, but neither of us was willing to. We weren't willing to do the necessary work. He wasn't willing to truly apologize and change his behavior. I wasn't willing to accept that "take it or leave it" apology that he gave me. Then we started arguing. The arguments got worst. The arguments came more frequently. Most of them would end in a physical altercation with one or both of us putting our hands on the other. I was called all types of names, like BITCH (ooooooooohhh that one makes my blood BOIL ), hoe, whatever came to his mind at the moment. Even though I knew that he really believed I was a hoe, that didn't bother me. I was faithful to him and that was enough for me. I knew he truly believed it because he constantly called me one after learning about my past. One day after we had a conversation about my past, he went and called his sister. That's cool. But what wasn't cool was how the conversation turned. Next thing I know he's talking about, "don't no ni**a want a girl who all these other people done had". Wait sir. We literally just talked about this! You just said it's cool, it's my past, but then your conversation with your sister demonstrated your true feelings and thoughts behind it. Over it! He constantly disrespected me in front of his friends and family. The fights even occurred while they were in the same house, just one room away. But nobody stepped in. Nobody seemed to think it was a problem, or at least they weren't willing to say it. Nobody knew that every single day a part of me was disappearing more and more. I wanted out so badly but I was afraid that what he said was true, nobody else would ever love me because I'm anything (a term pg people use to basically say your kinda trash)! This isn't the end but I'll wrap it up cuz I gotta keep this train moving...I'll tell y'all more later.
Then the most recent "relationship" 🤦🏽♀️ chile I don't even know why I was there. Well actually I do. It was right after my MomMom passed away. I was lonely. I was sad. I just wanted some type of love and affection to make me feel better. He came. He provided it. He talked all the right talk and did everything right in the beginning (not really! I just was so DESPERATE to feel better that I didn't make sure his words lined up with his actions). He texted and called all throughout the day. He wanted to spend time with me. So much so that he even took me to this girl's brother's show that he used to fool around with. WOW how thoughtful ! *rolls eyes* He thought so much of me that he lied and said he never messed with her, left me on the street corner , alone, in the dark, to go hug her and greet her family! That was an awesome date. I was all in though! Why? Because he said that GOD told him it was ok to be with me! That he was ready. I was the girl for him. He was to be responsible for me. I was his gift from God. Boom! I'm sold. Right. THERE! Ain't no need in my consulting God about it right!? Ain't no need in seeing if that's really what God said! If he said that God said it, I believe it and don't need to hear it for myself! WRRRROOONNNGG! Big mistake! Don't ever do that! Hear from God for yourself! Try the spirit by the spirit! Had I done that, we would have NEVER been together. Point. Blank. Period. Things started changing. The attention and time became less and less. I enjoyed it. So I kept asking for more. I wanted to talk. But every single time I got turned away. I wanted to talk about our days and got nothing. I wanted to talk about our issues and got nothing. I wanted to talk about planning things and got nothing. I had no clue why! But it was because he was going through something internally! You wanna know how we broke up? Because he said GOD NEVER TOLD HIM TO BE WITH ME! Wait! What!? You told me that He told you to be with me in the beginning!!!!!! What the HELL are you talking about!?!?!? Chile what did I get myself into!?!?!? Who am I more angry at!? You or me!? You canNOT solely trust other people hearing from God on YOUR behalf! You have got to hear from Him for yourself! I wasn't upset about the loss of the relationship because at the end of the day, we didn't even like each other! Like I literally couldn't stand the sight of him some days. We weren't into the same things. We simply tolerated each other just for the sake of having somebody! But I'm so thankful that he admitted to me that he was simply with me out of his own fleshly desires and was now tryna get God on board! Now we can both be free! Free to live the lives God had for us. Just so you know, that's not how God operates! He will not cosign your mess at any time! If He told you not to do something, that's what He means! So thank you for owning it sir! Thank you for freeing us both! Thank you for being obedient God!
Now I will never try to love again! Sike! Who am I kidding!? No matter how many times I've tried my hand at this love thing and not succeeded, I will NEVER quit! Just think if I can love, or think I love, the wrong person that much, how amazing will it be when it's really real!? When the love that I want to exist, suddenly exists and it's more than I could have ever imagined?! I will wait until God sees fit for me to experience the true love that I desire. That key word there was WAIT! Meaning I won't go hunt it down, manipulate my way into it , or focus so intently on the idea of it that I blindly enter into something again that isn't for me!
You see, to me, love is such a BEAUTIFUL thing! There's nothing more beautiful than loving someone who truly loves you just the way you are. They see your short comings as just something that's apart of you. Your flaws don't matter because they'll love you way beyond them. They'll hold your hand in the darkest hour. They'll be with you in the good times and the bad. They'll push you in the direction of your destiny and encourage you to be all that God has called you to be. They'll truly be your number one fan! They'll get you. They'll understand why you do the things you do. They'll know your flaws, but do everything in their power to only bring out the best in you and try to never magnify the areas in which you struggle with. To know that the type of love I described does indeed exist, well that right there, is ENOUGH for me to try again and again. I know that it's waiting for me to be the best version of me. I know that it's just a few more paces to go in my journey. So that is reason enough for me to try again, no matter how much pain or disappointment I've experienced!
That kind of love is demonstrated in "1 Corinthians 13:8-13 NIV - ""8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." You see that's the type of love that I believe in! That's why I'm willing to keep working on myself so that when it's my time, I'll get it right! I believe that God will give me the desires of my heart and being loved and adored by the man of my dreams is one that I know without a shadow of a doubt, will come to fruition!